I’ve had a funny few weeks, a time of life that perhaps doesn’t get talked about much. It is when you feel like you’re in between any notable landmarks in life and yet perhaps it’s because you’re stood right on top of a landmark. As a person who keeps herself very busy, being in the land of ‘in between’ can be uncomfortable. For some, this stage of life can last a fair amount of time as they wait for something to change – a sign – to jumpstart them back into action. Often, I find doing something is better than nothing to inspire new paths and a sense of direction. But as I listen to myself so closely, I know this moment is one of those slightly frustrating times when I have to sit and wait until ‘what this feeling means’ settles within me. More than that, I know what has caused this shift and confusion. It is a moment when I find the deepest parts of me have collided and are trying to build something new.
There are times in life when something that was so strong from your past can come and wallop you in the face. For me, that something is my deepest passion for music and a deep sense of creativity. It is a beautiful world, but something that I feel scared to face again, because of its magnitude. It was the only world I knew for many years. I had a continuous stream of creative ideas and it seemed normal, whereas these past ten years my creativity has been rather dry. It’s a place where raw emotion sits at the driving seat and I can’t seem to get a hold of the wheel. It also had the capacity to create lucid days and sleepless nights as my brain continued to fire one idea after another, after another, after another. My mind was so full and never silent. It seemed to always pick up on sounds and rhythms and pitches of those everyday sounds and meld them into some internal music. It would be at one with my emotions and that would all seem to flow out in music notes too.
And then one day I became happy. And the music stopped. My mind went blank. I began on a different path, one which felt a bit lonely at first. Eventually it was a world where I felt at one with everything around me and at many times held the greatest sense of peace within. Such a beautiful and peaceful world to behold. It has stayed for ten or so years, for the greater part uninterrupted.
But about two weeks ago, back came the depth of emotion. A few days later, we got a piano (I haven’t properly played for two years after a twenty one year relationship with it). A couple of days after that I sat in a café after work, with a blank page in front of me and began to write. Really write. And to my surprise so many words came tumbling out where only a few weeks before I would have scratched my head in trying to think anything much at all and probably drawn on the page instead. Then I went to my harmonica lesson and laughed so much that I felt completely full of laughter. I played some pieces that I found challenging and felt exhilarated. I woke at 3am to find adrenaline pulsing through me in all its heady creativity. It was like my previous world had said, “Hello, I’m back!”
And so I find that my worlds have collided. And I’m in that in between stage where I haven’t quite figured out what it all means. Two weeks ago I had a very clear vision of what I was going to do. I was clear about my studies, my work, my private life. I had it all sorted. But I realise that this part of me is returning in full force. It can be slightly daunting. The only thing I know is that both my life of the past ten years and the life before that feel it’s time to join together. And I really feel it is time too. I have explored the drama and sometimes danger of such heightened senses and creativity and the calmness of meditation and mindfulness. Both have taught me such a lot. But as I behold both of them, I know that they have not been unified and to be absolutely complete and whole, these two worlds must join.
Creativity is a world with absolutely no boundaries. Mindfulness and meditation is much the same. To me, personally, they’re like two sides of the same coin. They each express limitlessness in different ways, but they are the same thing. So it’s time to sit tight on the journey whilst my very being works through this. All I know is a sense of excitement that these important parts of me are ready to break down the boundaries and meet for the very first time.